By Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD., AfterTalk I often remind myself there is no love without loss. And there is no integration of loss without the experience of mourning. Our capacity to love requires the necessity to mourn. To deny the significance of mourning would be to believe there is something wrong with loving. Yet I truly believe our greatest gift from God is our capacity to give and receive love. Likewise, it is a great gift that we can openly mourn our life losses. You may have noticed that people use the words “grieving” and “mourning” interchangeably. There is a critical distinction, however. We as humans move toward integrating loss into our lives not just by grieving but by mourning. You will move toward “reconciliation” not just by grieving but through active and intentional mourning. So what is the distinction? Grief is the constellation of our internal thoughts and feelings when someone we love dies. Think of grief as the container. It holds your thoughts, feelings, and images of your experience when someone you love dies. In other words, grief is the internal meaning given to the experience of loss. Mourning is when you take the grief you have on the inside and express it outside yourself. Another way of defining mourning is “grief gone public” or “the outward expression of grief.” There is no one right or only way to mourn. Talking about the person who died, crying, expressing your thoughts and feelings through art or music, journaling, praying, and celebrating special anniversary dates that held meaning for the person who died are just a few examples of mourning. Making the choice not just to grieve but authentically mourn provides you with the courage and confidence to integrate the death of someone loved into your life. I have come to believe that to heal your grief, you must mourn it. To go on to ultimately “live well,” you must “mourn well.” By mourning well, I mean openly and honestly expressing your thoughts and feelings from the inside to the outside – no pretense, repression, or inhibitions. Somewhere in the collision between the heart – which searches for permanency and connection – and the brain – which acknowledges separation and loss – there is a need for us to authentically mourn. Authentic mourning means being consciously aware of the painful emotions of grief and feeling safe to express them. Grieving vs. Mourning People tend to use the two words interchangeably. But there is a crucial distinction. 24 Montana Funeral Directors Association
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