Prognosis Negative DISCLAIMER: This article is NOT REAL. Well, it is real in that it does exist, but it doesn’t contain factual information. It is made up for the purposes of entertainment. And isn’t that the real truth? Probably not. Doctor Simplifies Documentation by Cutting and Pasting Lyrics From The Cure Into Depressed Patients’ Charts By Artie Plush, MD, RBI, PCT, RQI, CPR, NSYNC INVESTIGATIVE REPORT, SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH Dr. Regina Wambsgans, a successful physician from Salt Lake City, Utah, has demonstrated significant and consistent improvement in the efficiency of her clinical documentation. This amazing feat led to great renown and multiple awards, such as the prestigious annual “I Am Better Than You At Writing Clinical Stuff” award from the Council of National Medical and Insurance and other entities who wish to remain anonymous. However, when evaluating how Dr. Wambsgans was so efficient in her documentation so as to help other clinicians, an astute colleague recognized that much of her clinical notes were taken word for word from songs by the band (appropriately called) The Cure. The British goth-rock band, The Cure, renowned for their depressing songs with existential themes, has existed since 1976. “I’m not even much of a fan, but no one else speaks with as much panache and eloquence about depression as Robert Smith,” said Dr. Roger Rumack, a professional colleague of Dr. Wambsgans, about The Cure’s sullen songwriter and singer. Robert Smith, however, is not pleased with his lyrics being used in such ways. “We’ve inspired thousands of bands in the last 50 years,” Robert said. “We’ve even been blatantly plagiarized by bands like U2 and Nirvana, and we just let it slide. But a doctor using our lyrics in a clinical note? Bloody hell! I’ve never heard of anything like that before. I recognize that the doom and gloom we produce in our music could fit certain depressed people quite well, but to have healers attribute my lyrics to random afflicted people? That makes my black heart quiver.” So why did Dr. Wambsgans do it? She explained, “I see a lot of patients with depression, and they all have a common internal experience. Why should I just write all this stuff that my patients say when it’s already been said, and in a much better way? I wanted to save some time, so I didn’t have to write every little thing each patient said about their illness. So, I improvised.” “The irony of this is that she used just as many upbeat lyrics as depressing lyrics,” added Dr. Rumack. “I would expect the doom and gloom stuff from the more depressing albums, but lines like ‘It’s such a gorgeous sight to see you eat in the middle of the night’, and ‘Slinky as raccoons in the roof’ really just make the notes more enjoyable to read.” “I think all of this blowback is stupid,” explained Dr. Wambsgans. “Really, the only criticism I deserve came from a colleague who discovered that I used a lyric from The Smiths in one of my notes instead of The Cure. That was really unprofessional of me.” Robert Smith added, “The most egregious offense is that she misquoted us in one of her notes. She used the word ‘fuzzy’ instead of ‘fizzy’ — ‘The sun is up, I’m so fizzy I could burst!’ Who could possibly think I would use the word ‘fuzzy’? I’m not a bloody teddy bear.” While Dr. Wambsgans will be formally censured by the local medical board, The Cure has decided not to pursue legal recourse. They instead have reached a deal to use selected lines from medical notes as lyrics for their next album. For more incredible medical satire, subscribe to the Hypocritic Oath at hypocriticoath.substack.com. You might regret it, but you’ll never know unless you try! SCAN THE QR CODE TO SUBSCRIBE. https://hypocriticoath.substack.com/ 34
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