friends OR to encourage playing at the highest level possible. Her key points to remember are: • Do not project into the future and, instead, choose what is right for your family right now; • Avoid the group mentality of participating in an activity just because others do; • Set the tone from the beginning that the child’s preferences lead the choice selection; and • The focus needs to be on fun. I also mention an even more sobering statistic that children/adolescents in highly affluent communities now have worse mental health than their counterparts in regions of low socioeconomic status. Much of this is related to the felt pressure of high achievement in all arenas so that they can get into a good college. The perceived culture in these communities is that without getting into a good college, all is lost. Jennifer Breheny Wallace details this mental health crisis in her book “Never Enough.” One key to combat societal and peer pressures is letting the child’s home be a safe haven, where they get to be themselves and express their full selves. When parents stop and ask themselves the tough questions, “Am I passionate because I’m living my dreams and glory through my child?” and “Am I helping or hurting my child’s chances of finding success?” is when true reflection/assessment begins. Per Jones, three ways a parent can work toward stepping back from intense personal involvement are to: • Recognize humans’ “natural negativity bias” to discount or ignore positive comments/improvement; • Allow your child to develop her “grit” and learn ways to turn pressure from working against herself into providing incentive to work for her goals; and • Embrace the concept that stepping back and not being so involved might just be what your child needs. Is it possible that your presence at games and practices diverts your child’s attention from her performance? Is she free to just play her game? As children grow and gain advantages from playing athletics, a key life skill they will learn is that we cannot always control what happens to us, but we can control 100% of how we respond. The job as parents is to first understand and know their child; deciding how to help in a given situation should be a secondary priority. Encourage each child to learn life skills focused on internal qualities that they develop, such as: • Finding ways to rely on positive “self-talk” and discounting negative thoughts; • Seeing that effort will result in mastery; • Learning how to be grateful for talents; • Embracing challenges and opportunities to learn; • Seeking inspiration and lessons of success from others, including from teammates rather than seeing them as threats; and • Discovering how to persist in the face of disappointments and setbacks. When children discover their formula to succeed, they can apply those steps to whatever they pursue. Parents can provide strong examples of how to make that happen, whether it is helping to deal with stress; ensuring sufficient nutrition, rest and attention to body signals; encouraging their child to drive the how of achieving a goal; or supporting them in examining actions/responses and becoming curious about the improvement process. To paraphrase the infamous basketball coach John Wooden, be more focused not on helping your child necessarily be the best, but to be their best. And even more importantly, to emphasize doing their best based on their current situation: What may be their best on any given day may change dramatically due to innumerous internal and external factors. Sara Walker is a HAES-aligned family- and sportsmedicine physician who practices at her clinic, The PEAAC, in Millcreek, UT. She specializes in treating people with eating disorders and performing artists/ athletes/musicians. She serves as a Team USA doctor for U.S. Figure Skating and USA Gymnastics. You can reach Sara at sara@thepeaac.com or thepeaac.com. Sources 1. Breheny Wallace, Jennifer. Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic — and What We Can Do About It. Portfolio/Penguin, 2023. 2. Jones, Kirsten. Raising Empowered Athletes: A Youth Sports Parenting Guide For Raising, Happy, Brave, and Resilient Kids. Triumph Books, 2023. INDEPENDENT SCHOOL | PreK-12 | SALT LAKE CITY | ROWLANDHALL.ORG Rowland Hall offers a transformational education that gives students agency and purpose, connects them to their global community, and empowers them to make the world a better place for all. DEVELOPING PEOPLE THE WORLD NEEDS 25 |
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